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About Griff Wason art & illustration

Bad day? Need a laugh?

Some of these are really terrible, but if it manages to make you smile, it was worth it!

Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow.

When I woke up the pillow was gone.

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A woman told her doctor, I've got a bad back. 'The doctor said, 'It's old age.'

The woman said, 'I want a second opinion.'

The doctor says, 'OK. you're ugly as well.'

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A man walked into the doctor's, he said 'I've hurt my arm in several places'

The doctor said 'well don't go there any more'

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I'm on a whiskey diet.

I've lost three days already.

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Went to the corner shop

...bought 4 corners

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I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'have you got anything for wind',

He gave me a kite.

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I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, 'Go to Bournemouth, it's great for 'flu.

So I went, and I got it.'

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'I became a member of The Secret Seven.

It's so secret, I don't even know who the other six are... '

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I went to the doctors with a jelly stuck in one ear and custard in the other. The doctor asked, 'what seems to be the problem?'

I said 'you have to speak up, I'm a trifle deaf.'

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Two fish in a tank, one says to the other -

You drive I'll man the guns.

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A guy walks into a pub with a lump of asphalt on His shoulder,

He says to the bar man give us a pint and one for the road.

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Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married

The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was Brilliant!

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Man goes to the docs, with a strawberry growing out of his head.

Doc says, 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'

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Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other

'Does this taste funny to you?'

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How do you get a one armed idiot out of a tree?

Wave!

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'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home.'

'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.'

'Is it common?'

'It's not unusual.'

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A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.

'My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'

'Well,' says the vet, 'let's have a look at him'

So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.

Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.'

'What? Because he's cross-eyed? '

'No, because he's really heavy'

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'Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's.'

'Well you can't say fairer than that then'

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Two elephants walk off a cliff... boom boom!

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So I went to the dentist.

He said 'Say Aaah.'

I said 'Why?'

He said 'My dog's died.'

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So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said

'Who's speaking please?'

And a voice said 'You are.'

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I said to the chemist, 'Can I have some sleeping pills for the wife?'

He said, 'Why?'

I said, 'She keeps waking up.'

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I upset the wife's mother the other Guy Fawkes Night.

I fell off the fire.

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She told me it was her 30th birthday.

So I put thirty candles on her cake arranged in the shape of a question mark.

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Duck goes into the chemist's shop.

'A tube of lipsol please.'

'Certainly, that will be fifty pence.'

'Put it on my bill, please.'

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She was the flabbiest stripper I've ever seen. When she ran off the stage she started her own applause.

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People say to me, 'Cheer up, Lady Luck will smile on you one day.'

By the time she smiles on me she won't have any teeth left.

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I wouldn't say my hotel room was small, but when I talked to myself, one of us had to step outside to reply.

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I was in a play on TV once. It was one of those suspense plays.

It kept you wondering... what's on the other channels?

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There was an old farmer from Greece

Who did terrible things to his geese

But he went too far with a budgerigar

And the parrot phoned the police.

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I went to a small guest house. The manager said, 'You want a room with running water? I said, 'What do you think I am? A trout?'

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I wouldn't say the house was damp but the kids went to bed with a periscope.

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Kids are maturing so much earlier now. Every Sunday I've been taking my six-year-old over to the park to play on the swings and the slides. Last Sunday he refused to go. He said he's too old for that sort of thing. So now I'll have to play on the swings on my own.

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I said to the wife, 'I wish you wouldn't smoke in bed.' She said, 'But a lot of women do.' I said, 'Not bacon they don't.'

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Ours is a football marriage, we keep waiting for the other one to kick off

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Woman: do you smoke after sex?

Man: I don’t know, I’ve never looked!

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I was lying in bed the other morning playing a lament on my euphonium when the wife, who was prising her teeth out of an apple, looked back at me and said softly, 'Joey.' She calls me Joey because she always wanted a budgie. She said, 'I'm homesick.' I said, 'But precious one, this is your home.' She said, 'I know, and I'm sick of it.'

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He drank so heavy, the only thing that grew on his grave were hops.

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A letter came from the bank.

I could tell it was from the bank as it was written on a wreath nailed to the front door.

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So I rang up my local swimming baths.

I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?'

He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'

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So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.'

He said “I'm not stopping you.”

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Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.

It's either my mum or my dad.

Or my older brother Colin.

Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.

But I think it's Colin.

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So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.'

And I swerved.

And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again.'

And I swerved again.

He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.'

And I went into a tree.

And a policeman came up and said

'What happened to you?'

And I said 'I careered off the road.'

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Now, most dentists' chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards.

I thought 'This is unusual'.

And the dentist said to me, 'Get out of the filing cabinet.'

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So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?'

I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

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Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks.

They charged one and let the other one off.

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You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen; it said; “Parking Fine.”

So that was nice.

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A man walked into the doctors. The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time'

The man replied, 'I know, I've been ill'

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A man walked into the doctors, he said, “I've hurt my arm in several places”

The doctor said, 'well don't go to those places'

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I had a ploughman's lunch the other day.

He wasn't very happy.

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I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

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I bought some HP sauce the other day.

It's costing me 10 pence a month for the next 2 years.

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I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.

He said, 'No, the steaks are too high.'

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My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.

A strong currant pulled him in.

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A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.

He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!'

The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'.

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I went to a seafood disco last week.and pulled a mussel.

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Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.

They lit a fire in the craft. It sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

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Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands.

Police say that he topped himself.

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If you can hear a rumbling noise, it’s Tommy Cooper and Les Dawson rolling in their graves... sorry chaps!!

GWai Office Cat BLOG

Brace yourselves. Tin-Tin, our office cat has been put in charge of the GWai office BLOG!!

Hellooo, I'm Squitts by name, but thankfuly NOT by nature!

Coooeee.... I'm Tarquin, aren't I handsome... you've got no chance!

...go on suckers, catch me if you can...

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